vol. 5 issue 11
Greetings,
Over a week ago, an epiphany occurred to me. It was on the way back from the grocery where I had gone to request some stray empty boxes to help with my move across town. When it did, before I could gather exactly what I was doing, I had turned my rented U-Haul around, and within an hour, what was to have been an uneventful, four-and-a-half mile jaunt became a 2,500(ish) mile odyssey.
We use the word casually anymore, but a true epiphany is like the earthquake that re-routes the river. For me, the river running through the banks of my life in Montana was beginning to flow through the narrows; the rapids were rushing by.
I have proven over and again that I will stay the course, even if it’s one that ends in heartbreak. But this time, when the seismic knowing that I was done riding the rapids shook through me, I realized that after all the pain and uncertainty I have pushed through this year, I would be a fool to willingly live on a fault line.
So, with zero forethought, I suddenly turned right onto the lane where the family-owned U-Haul dealership is in Missoula, and I extended my rental by another week. After throwing the rest of my belongings into boxes, returning my library books, saying goodbye to a few friends (including the ones who were to have been my new landlords), getting a pedicure (who knew when I could have the chance again?), and enjoying a spicy meal at the one restaurant I really liked, I began to drive east.
Which is how I ended up in Kentucky.
I don’t care anymore what people think of my choices; self-confidence is one of the many gifts that this year of unexpected events has yielded. If I thought about it at all, I vaguely considered that people might consider me daft for having gone across country with no plan, and literally, in the moment that doing so occurred to me.
Instead, more than a few people have commented, unironically, that what I did was brave, which I didn’t feel at all. I just felt I was being practical.
When you are gifted with the sudden insight that you’re about to enter a path that looks new, but a few steps in will be all too familiar — and painful — and you choose to run the other way, that’s not crazy. That’s growth. And it’s liberating. It’s the point of it all, especially here in America where we beat our chests with our fists of freedom.
On my travels, I was alone with my thoughts about the nature of freedom, as mountains, grasslands, and emptiness rolled away on either side of me. So many insights and visions I could be open to without distraction, especially since I didn’t have much reception and the radio stations weren’t interesting enough most of the time for me to bother with. When was the last time you had that much time to think and contemplate your prisons and your opportunities to break from them, in nourishing silence?
For now, because it’s late, and it’s been a long week, I’ll just confess that confidence notwithstanding, I still look over my shoulder; when I wake up each morning, I tell the dragon at my back he will have to be one step faster if he wants to devour me…and then I ask my gods if they might send along a sexy squirrel to run across the dragon’s path and distract him while I catch my breath.
Peace,
Whitney
Sending you love, dear Whitney, and buckets of wishes for finding your peace. xo
I am so touched by your writing, and felt the need to let you know it blows me away.. You have a beautiful mind and heart that is so good for me - and so much of what you write, teaches me and inspires me. I want to make sure you know how gifted you are (IMHO), so take that and know that others (probably many others) recognize your brilliance. Claim that and may it give you strength. Thank you so much. JC