Let me tell you a story about how special you are, my pretty...
Whose f*cked up narrative are YOU living?
vol. 5 issue 7
Greetings,
I was raised to be praised.
I was supposed to be special because of my looks (white, blonde, tall) which, according to the narrative I was steeped in, would confer upon me the right to a certain social standing.
As a teen, I was even told I would make a good “auxiliary wife”, a Junior League kind of Wunderkind with place cards and thank you notes. It sounded important at the time, but as the actual unfoldment of my life has proved, it was hell.
It was also wildly off the mark of how my heart actually beats and my mind operates, but since I had internalized the idea that until I achieved this weird accessory status, I would rank as a disappointment, liable to the threat of being unlovable and undesirable.
And nothing is more frightening to a human than being cut off from love and acceptance. Sure, studies have proven this, but screw the data. Look at your own life experience and tell me if you think I am full of shit. You can’t because I’m not.
That fear is why the fucked-up notion of specialness planted in my psyche left me highly susceptible to the love bombing I was shelled with about 7 years ago now (astrologers, take note! The Saturn cycle is real).
It was so intoxicating, a relief from the struggle to be loveable!
All the pretty promises felt warm and safe and fooled me into relaxing even further into this ersatz version of who I was supposed to become and what my purpose in life was supposed to be. Of course, I surrendered my senses to it, including my common sense.
I also surrendered my power and agency.
My shock and anger when I came back to my senses and realized it was all a lie was like an acid bath, as I’ve already noted. It was so dramatic, it precipitated my current state of homelessness. Which is ironic, because protection against the abject alienation from necessary resources was what I had thought I’d finally “achieved”.
But, this current state of free-floatingness is among the best things to have ever happened to me. It has shown me that the true wealth in my life is comprised of the things I have done and the relationships I have created that are borne of my authenticity, not of the transactional ways and means specialness requires of us in our thoughts and actions.